For the First time in Class... I was humiliated.

   I'm an honorable girl since I was Kinder 'till 2nd year high school.
Teachers never had any negative comments about me. Never did they complain anything bad about my attitude towards them and my school performances were great, they said. (Except for drawing and drawing even in class.)

   Now, I transferred to a new school. A public school.
Well, I don't see it as a public one. For me, it's better than my old school. My classmates' attitudes were better here. Just that I can't stand the noise, they always stand up and go to different locations, they wear rugs for their feet, and no too much activities. Well, what would I expect?
   The teachers? Hmm, their only step ahead is that they were trained very well. They teach good. (Not all of them) but they discipline students on their own during their subjects. They earn different respect. I respect them too, of course. Until today.

   Well, before that, my recitations were all great. Just that sometimes, as a learning student, I commit wrong answers too. I always obey my teachers in school. (Sometimes, I fail at home works or take home activities) When they give lectures, I bring out my notebook and copy them. When they give quizzes, I bring out my pen and answer. When they call for recitations, I raise my hand (seldom). But this day, in Math. It was different..

   Math time, our teacher was giving lectures.
   As she start writing on the board, I'm preparing to take out my notebook and copy the notes. But when I opened my pink case, my Stained Glass design went out. And so my seatmate saw it and asked what it was. Then 'course I told her. She said it was beautiful.

 * We have 3 take home activities in M.A.P.E.H. One of them was making "Stained glass art" (But of course we won't use glass. We will use cellophane.) *

   Suddenly our teacher caught us on act! I was startled when she said "Don't you like Math? You don't like my subject? Don't worry. Get out! I don't need you in class." I was shocked! "You like T.L.E.? Is that what you're holding awhile ago?" I automatically said "Ma'am no, Ma'am. It was not like that! It wasn't T.L.E." (Shocked and startled, yet with a low voice) my seatmate tried to defend me and said "Ma'am, that was just a design. She just showed me while looking for her notebook." but my teacher said again "Do you know that when I send a student out, he will come back to class again not tomorrow but on March?" I really didn't know what to do or say! While looking at the teacher, I froze. I didn't know what should I do. Then she added "You really are a transferee. You don't know who I am." My heart skipped a beat. But I still smiled.
* Conversation is in Filipino, but I answered in English. *

   Now, I was troubled but my body works quietly just the same. I thought of many stuffs like, flashbacks from my lower years, how does my image look now?, will the teacher mark me very low in performance, respect, or character... I really don't know what to do, what to say, how to react! Then my other seatmate asked me if I'm all right. 'Course I said I am. But deep inside, I know I wasn't.
   My eyes were so heavy.. I feel the tears about to fall.. But I cannot show them my tears. Specially the teacher. I don't know but my mind said "I need to show them I'm strong no matter what. I have to manage myself in a manner showing confidence that says 'I do not cry over small matters.'" It was hard. I cannot tell anybody there how I feel.

   After Math class, I planned to go to my teacher. Approach her and apologize. But my second thought said that she might just think that I'm trying to win her favor or maybe she'll reject me I'll get more embarrassed or she may just humiliate me even more. I didn't know what to do. My mind's very confused, my heart's very heavy.. I really need a cry that moment.. Until while I was typing this, my eyes continuously do its best to stop the tears from flowing.

   Now, what do I need to do? My image was stained in the eyes of my classmates. Specially in the eyes of our Math teacher. But whatever may happen, I'll just pray for GOD's will. And also for my teacher. I pray that she won't give me a bad record in her mind. And I also pray that my classmates forget what happened.

   For the very first time in my school life, I got humiliated just like that before the whole class.. I can never forget this incident, this subject, this teacher, and these words.

(07/09/12)

--}> Hurt.
{ ..I.N.S.. }
-=SilenT_Tears07=-

I Hate This Feeling..

What is this..? Oh, what a feeling.. A sad, terrible feeling.. I feel odd.. I feel afraid.. I want to..

What did I do?..
. Did I hurt him..?
. Did I reject him when he came..?
. Did I fail him on something..?
. Am I not there when he needed me..?
. Did I break his trust or a promise..?
What..? I need to know what..

We said that whatever may happen, we'll stick together..
We said that whenever any of us needs somebody, we're free..
We said that having each other means alot, so we stayed..
We said that whatever's bothering us or in our minds and hearts, we share..
But..?

. But why do I feel like this..? I feel so unfair.. As if I'm not the kind of friend I thought I'd be..
Don't say "NO." I know what I've done..And I feel so bad about it...
. ...SO BAD.......

I did not stick, I separated myself..
I'm not free, I'm always bust on others that I lost my time for him..
I did not stay, even if it means alot, but I hope he understand.. (Even thought I, myself do not.. XP)
. But he means so much to me.. I did not share but I always force him to..

That's it.. That's why.. I guess I'm the one...
. ...I HURT HIM.......

. I feel like I'm no longer the "me" I used to know.. I lost myself.. And my only companion that's left.
I feel terrible.. I feel he hates me now.. He don't like me anymore..
. As if he's just saying "I don't," just to make me feel better.. But no.. It won't, it can't, and it doesn't..
. That's it, what if I walk out of his life?.. It'd be easier for him 'cause he doesn't have to worry about me anymore.. Maybe he'd find someone better than me..

I know it'll be hard for both of us AT FIRST, but that pain won't last.. It will just become a memory soon.. Uhm..?

WAIT!! Why am I saying this..? Is this the end..?

No.. No..? No..!? No..! NO!! I can't describe what I feel.. I feel as if no one likes me anymore.. They hate me!.. Maybe at first, they'd love to be friends with me.. But wait a little longer, look and see and watch.. They'll know me deeper and they'll know that I'm not real..
...that I'm just an ILLUSION.. :'(

. I feel like I'll never meet e true friend.. 'Cause I think, I believe, that I myself am not true.. I miss him, myself, and everybody..!

. I hate this feeling..! I hate it! I HATE it..! I HATE IT..!!
. Does anybody.. "Hear"..?

Miu07 (3/1/11)

-=SilenT_Tears07=-

K-Off Anniversary..? :'(

Okay, that was really bad..

We waited for this day to come.. (April 25, 2011)
We planned what to do, where to celebrate, what to eat, what to wear, what we need, etc..

First of all, these things which we planned didn't come true..
It didn't progress..

Why..?
Well, I don't know too..

But all I see is, we're having a big problem between our relationship..
We're being cold to each other starting from 2 months ago..

What a terrible day..
Well, I'm sorry (to God) for calling this day terrible..
But I can't even say (un)'Happy Anniversary K-on!'
I thought we would stay together since we've gone through different situations but still, from the 5 of them, she stayed standing still..
She left me once, but then came back again and promised me not to do it again, so I gave her another try..
This time, she showed me that I didn't wasted my time for her..
What now..? :'(

Oh, look at the sunset..
This day should really be great.. But.. :'(
The sun is colored red this afternoon..
Looks like it's celebrating with us.. (praise GOD)
FYI, 'red' is our color.. So 'Red' means alot to us..

What should I do..? ='(

I don't wanna lose anybody any more!
I want to tell her that 'I love her very much!'
But i don't even know how to approach her..
I don't know whether she feels good or bad about what's happening to us..
Oh, I miss her.. :(
I really miss her so..

I also want to tell her this:

Dislove,
islove,
thelove,
bestlove,
waylove,
tolove,
saylove,
datlove,
ilove,
rilylove,
mislove,
ulove,
solove,
muchlove,

Now, read it without the word 'love'..


. How can I tell her this..?

-=SilenT_Tears07=-

Alone Again.. Being Alone.. Again..

Being alone is one of the saddest conditions for a human being to experience.
You may feel alone with your family,
if you think that no one understands you.

Often people are afraid to share who they are
because they think that they will be rejected.
However, if you are not sharing who you are,
you are not truly with the people you love.

On the other hand when you share you true self,
you risk being rejected.
Often individuals seek people out of the family unit
with whom they can share themselves without fear of rejection.

-Unknown-

-=SilenT_Tears07=-

ACCEPT GOD TODAY.. NOT A MOMENT TO LOSE...

Everybody, close your eyes, and place your right hand over your heart. 
Raise your left hand and if you feel like crying, then cry.

Now tell the Lord what you feel in your heart.
For those who want to accept the Lord, repeat after me. 
Lord, I thank You for Your love and Your mercy, thank You, Lord, for the word that has reached my heart today.

Father, I ask for Your forgiveness. 
Forgive me. 
Wash me with Your precious blood. 
Write my name in the Book of Life. 
Accept me as Your child, Lord.

Right now, I forgive anyone that I had not been able to forgive. 
I renounce to my lack of forgiveness. 
I renounce all things that have hindered Your flow, and I ask You to transform me and to fill me with Your presence every day.

Thank You, Father, Son and Holy Spirit; in the Name of Jesus, Amen.

-=No_Limits07=-

I Promise..

Will I always be there for you..?
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need..?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you..?
When the tears get near your eyes..
Will I be the one that's by your side..?

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night..?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life..?
I promise.. I promise I will..

Will I take tender care of you..?
Take your darkest night.. and make it bright for you..?
Will I be there to make you strong, and to lean on..?
When this world has turned so cold..
Will I be the one that's there to hold..?


And I love you more every day..
And nothing will take that love away..
When you need someone..
I promise I'll be there for you..

. Whew.. I promise.. pro, help me not to break those promises too..
. Tell me if nagkukulang aq.. Auq n mgpbya..Mrami ng nwla..

. P L E A S E..?

-=SilenT_Tears07=-